Then Dana Willms wrote the post "Children vs. the Marriage" in which she addresses some of the broader problems brought up by objections to co-sleeping: that parents need to position themselves as a unit apart from the children, or rather the family altogether. She quotes from yet another blogger about the necessity of having 'date nights' away from the kids. Now, I'm a fan of date night, and alone-time with my wife, but I loved this paragraph:
In the 6 years since I’ve been a mother I’ve probably gone on about a dozen “dates” with my husband....I can’t say that any of these dates—even the overnight trips—are particularly memorable to me as bonding events for my marriage. They are pleasant events that provide a chance to relax away from the kids, yes, but bonding? Not particularly.
What I do find to be a bonding experience in my marriage is sharing in the joys and struggles of raising a family together. Nothing has made me love my husband more than seeing him gently hold our newborn babies, examining the contrast between their tiny hands and feet and his larger ones. The memories that we hold dear and reminisce on together are of working around our house—with kids underfoot for the most part. Often having the kids underfoot is what helps to lead to the situations that are so memorable and bonding. One time when I asked my grandmother—who raised 5 children and had been married for about 55 years when I posed the question—about the necessity of date nights she assured me that she and my grandfather had rarely gone on dates until after the kids were out of the house, and that her belief was that mature adults would find everyday life more bonding than dates away from the kids.
Pretty much. Some of the best conversations I have with my wife are while we're driving the kids somewhere, or we have a wiggling baby in the bed who thinks it's party night (and who would be screaming if they were in a crib). We bond on our dates alone, certainly. But I would think, in general, the everyday life of any happy marriage should be a bonding experience.
I find myself nodding in agreement as I read along. I find that I miss my children when we're away from them--not that that happens all that often. I feel the closest to my husband when we're working a home renovation project together. Far more than if we went out to a movie or out to dinner or some other "date."
ReplyDeleteCool! I'm glad you didn't mind my borrowing your post. It was quite a good discussion, and I really love this whole theme of Dana's whereby the kids knit a couple together, rather than push them apart. And I think your statement about being displaced was very wise.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting on my blog, and pass hello and thank you to your wife as well. I found what she had to say very compelling, also!! So true, about the 'where there's a will, there's a way!!'
I think people have such a strong aversion to mixing any sort of sexuality and children that it can sometimes inhibit really normal human behaviours, like breastfeeding, or being intimate in the same room as a sleeping infant.
When we were all sleeping in caves I don't think couples had the privilege of sleeping across the hall and behind a closed door from their kids...
Anyways, thanks to you both for your comments and insight!
:)
ps you asked why I'm taking the breastfeeding course for health care providers, and it is because the midwifery school I'm applying to offers no courses on breastfeeding. So I'm taking a course on breastfeeding first, so I can be adequately armed if my clients need help with breastfeeding!!
ReplyDeletepps the maternity nurse/lactation consultant who commented on your cosleeping post is my mom!!! I didn't know she had read your post until I read that and thought, 'hey! I slept on my moms floor in a sleeping bag every night til I was six...waitaminute, this comment was left by my mom!!!!'
Too funny.
My husband took me on an overnight trip for a football game recently. We have 6 children, so we debated on whether or not to bring our youngest that was still nursing and attached especially at night. There was no way he would have slept well away from me, needless to say we brought him with us. He was about 16 months old, I would venture to say that most little ones his age would have been very agitated over a 5 hour drive on a bus full of strangers.
ReplyDeleteWe had so much fun with our little guy, and he was never a bother to anyone! Whenever he was tired, I simply nursed him and he fell asleep. He slept through half the game, and didn't scream once because he wanted to get up and run around!
Had this been our firstborn, it would have been a different story!
We were very glad to not have to lug around a portable crib, or use one at the hotel!
I totally agree! I never feel the NEED to get away from the kids. We actually like them. And I think that both my husband and I love seeing eachother as parents.
ReplyDeleteSure there are times that we are sneaking around so we don't wake up the little person in the room, but he is us, and we love it and wouldn't have it any other way.
And we too took our first (as a 8 month old) to a B&B with us. Because he was in bed with us, he never bothered a soul, even though he still woke up at least once a night to eat.